I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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