Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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