If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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