So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
