Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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