I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
