I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
