my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
