just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
