remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
