she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
