I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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