Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
50% drunk capacity currently
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
