i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
