Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
