Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
