I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
