I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
