i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
