when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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