The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
