I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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