fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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