Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
