I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
