I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
