He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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