I skipped work to stalk him.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
