two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
