After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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