bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
