oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
