I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
