Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
