I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
