I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
