Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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