Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
