he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
