dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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