i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
