I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
