I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
