i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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