got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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