i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
