anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
