Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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