i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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