so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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